When you hear the word apology, does someone in particular come to mind? Say their name out loud. Ask yourself, “why do I feel the need to apologize?”
Have you done something hurtful? Was it on purpose or by accident? Were you careless with this person or their feelings? Did you say or do something you regret? Have you taken accountability for what is weighing on your heart? Are you angry with them or angry with yourself? Are you craving reconciliation and repair? Would you like to be able to move forward? Do you have a desire to make them feel better or yourself feel better? Do you feel or believe you deserve to be forgiven?
A strong meaningful apology can go a long way in repairing rifts in a relationship. Most of us learned the skill to apologize as children but this is a skill that needs to grow with us. When we first learned to apologize, we often did so because we were told to do so. The other child is often told to express a form of forgiveness. This is where we learn there is a clear outcome in the dance of repair.
As we age, apologies become more layered and complex. We tend to forget how important it is for us to play and connect, it’s something we NEED. Often, we cling to our position, to being right or justified. We convince ourselves that an apology means admitting defeat or we worry that no matter what the apology we will not be forgiven. While we know the way back to one another, an apology can feel tremendously hard. It can feel shameful, and shame is often what prevents us from reaching out.
An apology puts the relationship first. It doesn’t find a way to justify what you did or keep score with the other person. In general, working toward repair, we put the good of the collective above our individual interests. It’s challenging to ask yourself before you yell, slam the door, blame, engage in the silent treatment, or keep score: “What will this do to our connection? Is it worth it? What is it that our relationship really needs?”
Apologies can be tricky. We may not regret not inviting a friend somewhere or engaging in an activity without our partner, but if we deem it appropriate, we can apologize for the impact it had on the other person. Be mindful when using language like “I am sorry if I made you feel…”, it can sound apologetic but also puts the responsibility on the other person. Redemption requires accountability.
So, what does an artful apology include? An artful apology includes:
- An awareness of what YOU did
- Taking responsibility for how YOU behaved
- Providing acknowledgement of the impact this had on the other person, even if they hurt you too
It’s from this place that you can stand accountable without needing the other person to validate, redeem, or forgive you. You are doing your part for the good of the relationship.
So, what do you get out of an artful apology? A sincere apology can empower us. There is a great deal of empowerment vulnerability. There is something powerful about owning, claiming, and taking responsibility; it gives you a sense of agency. This is not power over another person, it is power to clarify and make things right. When you apologize, you are making a choice to change the story and to move forward. You are saying “Enough. We may have made this mess together but I am taking responsibility for my part. I am sorry for what I have done.”
Apologizing helps us realize how much we impact others; there is weight to our actions. If we have the power to hurt, we also have the power to take steps toward healing. When we apologize, we open the door and invite the other person to join us in the place of open communication. We lessen shame and acknowledge the person and relationship are more important than winning an argument or disagreement.
While you do have the power to apologize, the other person has the freedom to forgive or not forgive. Forgiveness cannot be forced. This is what makes the idea of apologizing so difficult. We know that once we make the first move, we are no longer in control. It is possible our vulnerability may be met with rejection.
- A good scenario: You apologize and the other person meets you there by saying thank you or I forgive you or by coming forward with their own self-awareness.
- A less-than-ideal scenario: You apologize and ask for forgiveness, maybe even beg. It may seem they want to humiliate you, which may be true if you’re in an abusive relationship. Most of the time, the other person is just so hurt that they want you to feel how much they are hurting.
- A worse scenario: The apology has never been made or accepted and the unfinished business follows us to the end of life, even traveling across generations.
A serious offense requires a serious apology. Depending on the situation, it may be needed more than once, but there is a limit. The truth is: sometimes forgiveness takes time, and sometimes it doesn’t come at all. The unseen benefit of apologizing is the connection to our humanity. The words “I am sorry” are three of the hardest words to say for many of us but are some of the most important words we can use. We are all connected. We are all imperfect humans. We all make mistakes. When apologies are sincere, they can be very healing. Conversely, when the apology is insincere, goes sideways, or doesn’t happen at all, the potential risk is compromising or can lead to the end of the relationship. Apologizing is central to everything we hold dear…to family, partner(s), leadership, parenting, and most importantly our ability to love ourselves and others. One of the most healing aspects of repair comes when we see another person trying. Even if we or they don’t get it exactly right, the effort means a lot and we get better with each attempt. Throughout life we are gifted with many opportunities to say, “I am sorry.” With each apology we gain a deeper understanding of the power of the apology and how to do it right. We can learn from 13th-century Persian poet Rumi, who once said, “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”