Narcissistic abuse often follows a repeating cycle made up of four stages: idealization, devaluation, discarding, and hoovering. This cycle can happen over and over again, which makes it hard to notice and even harder to leave. Below is a simple explanation of each stage, along with examples of things a narcissist might say during each one.
Stage One: Idealization
In the idealization stage, the narcissist gives the other person a lot of attention, praise, and affection. This is often called “love bombing.” The goal is to make the person feel special and deeply connected very quickly.
During this stage, the narcissist may seem perfect—kind, loving, charming, and very interested in every part of the other person’s life. But this attention is not genuine love. It is meant to create strong emotional attachment so the person becomes dependent and more willing to accept poor treatment later.
Things a narcissist might say during this stage:
- “You’re the best person I’ve ever met.”
- “No one has ever made me feel like you do.”
- “We’re soulmates.”
- “I see us being together forever.”
Stage Two: Devaluation
Once the narcissist feels sure the other person is emotionally attached, their behavior changes. In the devaluation stage, they begin to criticize, blame, and put the person down. The warmth from the beginning starts to disappear.
The victim often feels confused and starts wondering what they did wrong. The narcissist may use mind games, ignore the person, twist the truth, or make small insults. The goal is to damage the person’s self confidence so they feel insecure and try harder to please the narcissist.
Things a narcissist might say during this stage:
- “You’re too sensitive.”
- “You’ve changed. You’re not like you used to be.”
- “You always make everything about yourself.”
- “You’re lucky I stay with you.”
Stage Three: Discarding
In the discarding stage, the narcissist pulls away emotionally or physically. They may suddenly end the relationship or behave so badly that the other person feels forced to leave. This can include being cruel, cheating, or acting like they don’t care at all.
The victim is often left feeling shocked, hurt, and questioning their worth.
Things a narcissist might say during this stage:
- “I’m done with you.”
- “This is your fault. You ruined everything.”
- “I don’t feel anything for you anymore.”
- “I can easily find someone better than you.”
Stage Four: Hoovering
This stage is called hoovering because the narcissist tries to pull the person back in, like a vacuum. This usually happens when the narcissist is no longer getting enough attention from other people.
They may apologize, promise they have changed, or act loving again. These promises are usually not real. If the person goes back, the abuse cycle often starts over from the beginning.
Things a narcissist might say during this stage:
- “I’ve changed. I promise.”
- “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t leave.”
- “I don’t know what I’ll do if you don’t come back.”
- “You misunderstood me. I never meant to hurt you.”
Why Understanding This Cycle Matters
Narcissistic abuse can leave people feeling confused, hurt, alone, and unsure of themselves. Learning about the stages of this abuse can help people recognize unhealthy patterns in their relationships.
Understanding what is happening is the first step toward breaking free, setting boundaries, and getting support. This kind of abuse can happen in romantic relationships, families, friendships, or even at work. Knowing the warning signs can help people protect their mental and emotional health and move toward safer, healthier relationships in the future.
Jared Belsher, MA, LCPC is a licensed clinical professional counselor (LCPC) and national certified counselor (NCC) who has worked in outpatient mental health clinics and in private practice since 2007. He is a member of the Saint Alphonsus Employee Assistance Program.