Understanding Codependency

June 4, 2025

"Codependents are people who love other people more than they love themselves," says Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More. In her book, Beattie explains that it is important to understand codependency and codependent traits because they can lead to negative emotional outcomes. This includes a deep need for approval from others, a pattern of avoiding conflict, and a tendency to ignore one's own needs.

Do you have codependent tendencies?

Consider the kinds of relationships you have versus what you want. Are they mutual, healthy, loving, and happy? Or do they tend to be distant, one-sided, and have unhealthy elements? Review the following behaviors. If you answer “yes” to one or more of them, you may have codependent tendencies.

Do you prioritize others' needs over your own? Low self-esteem, low self-worth, anxiety, and trauma can lead to codependent behaviors. These behaviors often include not being able to set the boundaries needed to take care of oneself, feeling like or being seen as a “doormat,” struggling with self-doubt and blame, and more. When this happens, someone with codependent tendencies may experience feelings of anger, resentfulness, and hurt. These further contribute to depression or staying in harmful, unsafe, or unhealthy situations for too long.
Do you have a habit of trying to fix other people's problems? People who struggle with codependent behaviors tend to over-involve themselves in others' lives. According to Beattie, when we base our relationships on feeling needed or entangling ourselves in other people's pain, we can neglect ourselves. This can contribute to self-hate and self-disgust, shame, resentment, and guilt. When reflecting on your behavior patterns, consider if you have the penchant toward helping others more than helping yourself. Do you ever have a thought like: "If I just helped my [friends, family, colleagues and neighbors], maybe I'd get the connection I crave [in love, work and life]?
Does a loved one's addiction or illness consume your life? When someone struggles with codependent behaviors, they tend to fall into dysfunctional relationship patterns. For example, if someone who struggles with codependency is closely connected to someone who struggles with addiction, they may focus all their energy on helping their loved one get or stay sober. They may also stay at home with their loved one because they think it will help them avoid the temptation to use. This is a key part of the definition of codependency. We are only OK if the other person is OK.

How to break free from codependent tendencies in relationships

When we love and serve others to the point of our own detriment, we also risk the quality of our relationships. To break out of these patterns, we must begin to shift focus from others to ourselves. We can do this in several ways:

Seek professional help: If you believe you may have codependent tendencies, talk to a therapist who can help you explore and work to change your thoughts and behaviors. Considering joining a support group such as Codependents Anonymous.
Relinquish control with boundaries: Reflect on what your motivation is behind your rescuing, caretaking, and worry related behaviors. Are you trying to help, or are you trying to control another person? Boundaries can help you practice self-care by setting limits around how much physical and mental space we give others.
Care for yourself before you care for others: The adage of “put your own oxygen mask on before you help others” applies here. We cannot show up as our best selves if we are not prioritizing caring for ourselves. This is not a selfish act. On the contrary, it is an act of self-love.
Identify your wants and needs: Create time and space to sit and reflect, writing down what it is that you want and need in a relationship. This improved awareness leads to changes in behaviors and the beginning of building healthy boundaries and relationships.

Jenny Lee Doty, codependency>
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Jenny Lee Doty, MSW, LCSW, has been practicing as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker since 2010. She has worked in the mental health field for more than 20 years in a variety of treatment settings, including schools, day treatment centers, hospitals, and local community agencies. She is a member of the Saint Alphonsus Employee Assistance Program.